Re: Management cliches : Thu Feb 23, 2012 7:56 pm  

Cronus wrote:

I can only assume you work in porn?

It looks like that at the moment with the amount of Brazilians (nationals!) swanning about .. I work on a Cruise Ship.

Re: Management cliches : Thu Feb 23, 2012 7:58 pm  

Kosh wrote:

I once worked in the R&D department of a major engineering company where we had a manager who had been on waaaay too many training courses. We used to keep a notebook entitled 'The Sayings of Chairman Richard' as he came out with so many of these gems. We also used to run competitions to see how many made-up expressions we could slip into a meeting without him batting an eyelid.

Two of my favourites that he came out with:

We seem to be trapped on a peninsular of illogical thought.

These (insert customer name here) boys are tricky Kangaroos to box

I particularly like the use of peninsular when island would be the more obvious choice. Peninsular suggests that there is a way out of this illogical thought process. Clever!

Re: Management cliches : Tue Feb 28, 2012 6:46 pm  

A few months back, one of our directors went "freelance" and set up his own venture. This is the sort of nonsense that is on his website:

In the "What we do" section:

Ideation, planning and execution of projects carried out by a radical group, autonomously and free from bureaucracy. [business name] projects sidestep corporate politics and inertia.

[business name] facilitates this process whilst remaining entirely invisible. Originally born out of the necessary response to technological disruption, our elite membership of visionaries, luminaries, communicators and influencers drive advocacy and upper level buy-in; whilst accomplishing intellectual, emotional and financial objectives.

In the "How we do it" section:

[business name] comprises an harmonious elite membership of visionaries, luminaries, communicators and influencers, all of whom have been forwarded and seconded by the inner circle.

No, I haven't got a fecking clue either....

Re: Management cliches : Tue Feb 28, 2012 6:53 pm  

bramleyrhino wrote:

A few months back, one of our directors went "freelance" and set up his own venture. This is the sort of nonsense that is on his website:

In the "What we do" section:

In the "How we do it" section:

No, I haven't got a fecking clue either....

I'd be tempted email them just to say "so, what do you do then please?"

Re: Management cliches : Tue Feb 28, 2012 7:45 pm  

bramleyrhino wrote:

A few months back, one of our directors went "freelance" and set up his own venture. This is the sort of nonsense that is on his website:

In the "What we do" section:

In the "How we do it" section:

No, I haven't got a fecking clue either....

No idea why you've taken the company name out, a quick google throws up one site with that particular brand of bull.

Re: Management cliches : Tue Feb 28, 2012 7:49 pm  

Neil HFC wrote:

No idea why you've taken the company name out, a quick google throws up one site with that particular brand of bull.

Although, having looked through the entire website I still don't know what they actually do, albeit anonymously.

Re: Management cliches : Tue Feb 28, 2012 8:07 pm  

Just looked on their site too. Ridiculous!

[Kosh]

Re: Management cliches : Tue Feb 28, 2012 10:41 pm  

Neil HFC wrote:

Although, having looked through the entire website I still don't know what they actually do, albeit anonymously.

Just had a quick peek myself. Three words...

What. The. Feck?

Re: Management cliches : Tue Feb 28, 2012 10:58 pm  

We had a sales manager from the US and at one meeting we put together a PowerPoint version of This is Your Life. He had a lot of sayings that we collected over the years and we called them his "Principles". Here ar just a few ( and he really said these),

Facts not known to me are irrelevant.

There are 50 million photocopiers in the world and I sold all of them.

There is no such word as No.

You have to fail to succeed.

If it's a good idea it's mine, if it's a bad idea it's yours.

All customers are a$$$holes.

"Great Ones " don't suck.

Re: Management cliches : Wed Feb 29, 2012 12:18 pm  

Finance: "You're currently making how much?"

Manager: "About £30,000 per week on average"

Finance: "And how many staff?"

Manager: "12"

Finance: "With all your staff do you think you could make, say, £45,000 in a week?"

Manager: "Oh, yeah - sure!" (Nodding vigorously)

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2 weeks later ....

<telephone rings>