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Re: Joke thread. Sat Jan 26, 2013 10:57 pm  

KRLFC wrote:
KRLFC Strong-running second rower
Strong-running second rower

Joined: Tue Mar 27, 2012 1:04 pm
Posts: 270
The husband was in pure ecstasy .. a far-away, contented glaze in his eyes And a huge, gentle, knowing smile on his face as he softly murmured.

He was obviously, "totally in the moment" as his wife moved rapidly forward toward him.. Then equally rapidly, backwards away from him.

She was moving in that steady undulating rhythm that he had come to know so well .. First , teasingly rapidly forward, then slowly backwards only to be repeated with increasing pace And anxious determination. Again....back and forth...back and forth...in and out...in and out.

Sometime in one long, steady, drawn-out motion... Sometimes in a series of short urgent Spurts of movement... But always keeping her focus on the same objective.

Her heart was pounding...her face was flushed... She was starting to sweat but she was So totally engrossed in the act that she never recognized it nor would she have cared Even if she had recognized it.. her focus was solely and totally upon her husband. Giving way to her inner feelings, she started to moan... At first, a soft, barely audible whimper Escaped her tightly pursed lips, then, her intensity and passion rising almost as rapidly As her inhibitions were escaping her, she abandoned all pretence. Her moans rising in volume, Frequency and intensity, she began to groan ever louder and louder. She began mumbling Several obscene phrases that would make a veteran sailor blush... She was totally oblivious To the world around her.

Finally, totally exhausted, she could control herself no longer .. She let out an almighty, ear-piercing scream and shouted,

"OK, OK!.... You're right !!! I CAN'T park the f...king car! ... You do it, you SMUG b@stard!"
Is a dream a lie if it don't come true. Or is it something worse?
Re: Joke thread. Tue Feb 26, 2013 9:06 am  

KRLFC wrote:
KRLFC Strong-running second rower
Strong-running second rower

Joined: Tue Mar 27, 2012 1:04 pm
Posts: 270
If you had purchased £1,000 of shares in Qantas one year ago, you would have £49.00 today!

If you had purchased £1,000 of shares in AIG one year ago, you would have £33.00 today.

If you had purchased £1,000 of shares in Lehman Brothers one year ago, you would have £0.00 today.

But, if you had purchased £1,000 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the aluminium cans for recycling refund, you would have received £214.00...

Based on the above, the best current investment plan is to drink heavily & recycle.

Also, consider this;

A recent study found that the average British man walks about 900 miles a year.
Another study found that the British man drinks, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year.
That means that, on average,the British get about 41 miles to the gallon!

Makes you damned proud to be British!
Is a dream a lie if it don't come true. Or is it something worse?
Atheist Humor Fri May 10, 2013 9:36 am  

KRLFC wrote:
KRLFC Strong-running second rower
Strong-running second rower

Joined: Tue Mar 27, 2012 1:04 pm
Posts: 270
An atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane and he turned
to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike
up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total
stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the atheist. "How about why there is no God,
or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death?" as he smiled smugly.

"Okay," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask
you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same
stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns
out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?"

The atheist, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence,
thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea." To which
the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss
God, Heaven and Hell, or life after death, when you don't know sh*t?"

And then she went back to reading her book.
Is a dream a lie if it don't come true. Or is it something worse?
Are you a real pilot? I thought I was ... Fri Jun 07, 2013 8:28 am  

KRLFC wrote:
KRLFC Strong-running second rower
Strong-running second rower

Joined: Tue Mar 27, 2012 1:04 pm
Posts: 270
You think you have lived to be 80 plus and know who you are, then along comes someone and blows it all to hell!

An old Marine Pilot sat down at the Starbucks, still wearing his old USMC flight jacket and ordered a cup of coffee.

As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the pilot and asked, 'Are you a real pilot?

He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life flying planes, first Stearmans, then the early Grummans... flew a Wildcat and Corsair in WWII, and later in the Korean conflict, Banshees and Cougars. I've taught more than 260 people to fly and given rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot, and you, what are you?

She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked: 'are you a real pilot?'

He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.'
Is a dream a lie if it don't come true. Or is it something worse?
Re: Joke thread. Thu Jan 09, 2014 9:50 am  

KRLFC wrote:
KRLFC Strong-running second rower
Strong-running second rower

Joined: Tue Mar 27, 2012 1:04 pm
Posts: 270
Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night.

They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."

The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.

The younger alien became angry at the lack of response.

The older alien said, "I'd calm down if I were you."

The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response.

vexed at the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said gruffly, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader or I will fire!"

The older alien again warned his comrade saying, "You probably don't want to do that! I really think that will make him mad."

”Rubbish,” replied the young alien. He aimed his weapon and opened fire.

There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards him and blew the younger alien off his feet and threw him in a burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away into a cactus patch.

Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head..

"What a ferocious creature!" exclaimed the young, fried alien. "He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?"

The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, "If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, you never mess with a guy who can loop his willy over his shoulder twice and then stick it in his ear."
Is a dream a lie if it don't come true. Or is it something worse?
Re: Joke thread. Wed Sep 03, 2014 10:12 pm  

KRLFC wrote:
KRLFC Strong-running second rower
Strong-running second rower

Joined: Tue Mar 27, 2012 1:04 pm
Posts: 270
----- FROM ROLLS ROYCE STAFF MAGAZINE -----

Sometimes it DOES take a Rocket Scientist!! (true story).

Scientists at Rolls Royce built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners and military jets all travelling at maximum velocity.

The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.

American engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the Windshields of their new high speed trains.

Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the American engineers.

When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken shot out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's back-rest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin like an arrow shot from a bow..

The horrified Yanks sent Rolls Royce the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the British scientists for suggestions.

Rolls Royce responded with a one-line memo :


1."Defrost the chicken."
Is a dream a lie if it don't come true. Or is it something worse?
Re: Joke thread. Wed Sep 10, 2014 5:17 pm  

KRLFC wrote:
KRLFC Strong-running second rower
Strong-running second rower

Joined: Tue Mar 27, 2012 1:04 pm
Posts: 270
Sometime after the Scottish Referendum:


David Cameron and Boris Johnson were breaking into a Scottish distillery one night.
David Cameron asked "Do you think this is whisky?"
Boris Johnson replied, "Pwobably not as whisky as wobbing a bank."
Is a dream a lie if it don't come true. Or is it something worse?
Re: Joke thread. Fri Jul 14, 2017 2:10 pm  

KRLFC wrote:
KRLFC Strong-running second rower
Strong-running second rower

Joined: Tue Mar 27, 2012 1:04 pm
Posts: 270
CLAUDE THE HYPNOTIST

It was entertainment night at the Senior Citizens Centre. After the community sing along led by Alice at the piano, it was time for the star of the show, Claude the Hypnotist!

Claude explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a trance.

"Yes, each and every one of you and all at the same time." said Claude.

The excited chatter dropped to silence as Claude carefully withdrew from his waistcoat pocket; a beautiful antique gold pocket watch and chain. "I want you to keep your eyes on this watch" said Claude, holding the watch high for all to see.

"It is a very special and valuable watch that has been in my family for six generations" said Claude.

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth, back and forth while quietly chanting "Watch the watch --- Watch the watch ----Watch the watch"

The audience became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth. The lights were twinkling as they were reflected from its gleaming surfaces. A hundred and fifty pairs of eyes followed the movements of the gently swaying watch.

They were hypnotized. And then, suddenly, the chain broke!!! The beautiful watch fell to the stage and burst apart on impact, "SH*T" said Claude.

...It took them three days to clean up the Senior Citizens' Centre and Claude was never invited back again!
Is a dream a lie if it don't come true. Or is it something worse?
Re: Joke thread. Fri Sep 01, 2017 2:48 pm  

KRLFC wrote:
KRLFC Strong-running second rower
Strong-running second rower

Joined: Tue Mar 27, 2012 1:04 pm
Posts: 270
The Priest was in the confessional box when a male parishioner entered the confessional.

"Forgive me Father because I have sinned."

"What did you do my Son" said the Priest. The parishioner replied that a new woman had moved into the village and he had had sex with her.

The Priest said "say 3 Hail Marys and God will forgive you, now go in Peace."

A second Parishioner then went into the confessional and said to the Priest "Forgive me Father because I have sinned."

"What is your sin" asked the Priest. The Parishioner replied that a New Woman had moved into the village and he had had sex with her.

"What is her name" asked the Priest. "Its Fanny Green" replied the Parishioner. "Well," said the Priest "say 10 Hail Marys and God will forgive you now go in Peace."

A third Parishioner then entered the Confessional and said "Forgive me Father because I have sinned." "How did you sin?" asked the Priest.

The Parishioner replied that a new woman had moved into the village and he had had sex with her. "Was her name Fanny Green?" asked the Priest.

"Yes it was" said the Parishioner. "Say 15 Hail Marys and God will forgive you" stated the Priest.

The Following Sunday during mass the Priest noticed a new woman dressed all in green with a very short skirt and highly polished green shoes sitting in the front row right in front of him.

The Priest bent down and whispered in the ear of an Altar Boy "is that Fanny Green?"

"I don’t think so, "said the Altar boy, "it is just a reflection from her shoes!"
Is a dream a lie if it don't come true. Or is it something worse?
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National Rugby League 2021 ROUND : 20
 PLDFADIFFPTS
Melbourne 19 689 224 465 34
Penrith 19 521 228 293 32
Souths 19 613 382 231 32
Parramatta 19 484 295 189 26
Sydney 19 509 343 166 26
Manly 19 569 400 169 24
Gold Coast 19 460 484 -24 16
Cronulla 19 392 458 -66 16
 
Canberra 19 383 465 -82 16
St.George 19 382 464 -82 16
Newcastle 19 325 472 -147 16
NZ Warriors 19 373 502 -129 12
Wests 19 412 564 -152 12
NQL Cowboys 19 358 584 -226 12
Brisbane 19 331 578 -247 10
Canterbury 19 242 600 -358 4
This is an inplay table and positions can change as matches are in play.
Betfred Super League XXVI ROUND : 17
 PLDFADIFFPTSDIFFWP%
Catalans 16 482 262 220 30 183.97 93.75
St.Helens 13 328 106 222 22 309.43 84.62
Warrington 15 456 247 209 23 184.62 76.67
Wigan 17 305 295 10 22 103.39 64.71
Hull FC 14 308 279 29 15 110.39 53.57
Leeds 16 380 290 90 16 131.03 50
 
Hull KR 12 287 267 20 12 107.49 50
Castleford 15 267 388 -121 12 68.81 40
Huddersfield 16 278 334 -56 10 83.23 31.25
Salford 14 237 405 -168 8 58.52 28.57
Wakefield 16 279 394 -115 8 70.81 25
Leigh 14 218 558 -340 0 39.07 0
This is an inplay table and positions can change as matches are in play.
Betfred Championship 2021 ROUND : 16
 PLDFADIFFPTSDIFFWP%
Toulouse 10 456 94 362 20 485.11 100
Featherstone 14 579 189 390 24 306.35 92.86
Halifax 15 422 220 202 22 191.82 73.33
LondonB 14 404 357 47 17 113.17 67.86
Batley 15 404 302 102 20 133.77 66.67
Bradford 14 375 339 36 18 110.62 64.29
 
Whitehaven 15 297 410 -113 13 72.44 43.33
Widnes 14 323 378 -55 11 85.45 39.29
Sheffield 14 313 413 -100 11 75.79 39.29
Newcastle 14 298 420 -122 11 70.95 39.29
York 14 345 327 18 10 105.50 35.71
Dewsbury 14 215 401 -186 9 53.62 32.14
Oldham 14 210 500 -290 4 42 14.29
Swinton 15 256 547 -291 2 46.80 6.67
This is an inplay table and positions can change as matches are in play.
Betfred League One 2021 ROUND : 13
 PLDFADIFFPTSDIFFWP%
Barrow 11 382 162 220 19 235.80 86.36
Workington 9 334 158 176 15 211.39 83.33
Doncaster 11 348 251 97 15 138.65 68.18
Crusaders 11 350 322 28 12 108.70 54.55
Keighley 12 410 279 131 13 146.95 54.17
Hunslet 12 334 301 33 11 110.96 45.83
 
Coventry 11 258 264 -6 10 97.73 45.45
Rochdale 11 299 322 -23 10 92.86 45.45
LondonS 12 192 350 -158 7 54.86 29.17
West Wales 12 126 586 -460 0 21.50 0
This is an inplay table and positions can change as matches are in play.
Betfred Womens Super League 2021 ROUND : 9
 PLDFADIFFPTSDIFFWP%
LeedsW 7 364 38 326 14 957.89 100
St.HelensW 7 370 36 334 12 1,027.78 85.71
WiganW 6 222 64 158 10 346.88 83.33
YorkW 6 186 102 84 8 182.35 66.67
CastlefordW 6 166 96 70 8 172.92 66.67
BradfordW 8 158 264 -106 6 59.85 37.50
 
Hudds W 7 104 288 -184 4 36.11 28.57
Wire W 8 150 334 -184 4 44.91 25
FeatherstoneW 8 122 338 -216 4 36.09 25
WakefieldW 7 50 332 -282 0 15.06 0
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